


This is me Trying

by Laureliar



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual SwanQueen, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I just think she's neat, Maleficent friendly, Mental Health Issues, Minor Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Maleficent, implied/referenced unhealthy sexual relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:07:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27220222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laureliar/pseuds/Laureliar
Summary: post season 6, pre season 7The good guys have triumphed, everyone is safe and well adjusted and living their happy endings right?Henry is gone, Robin is dead, Emma is married and Regina is desperately lonely and unhappy.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Maleficent
Comments: 23
Kudos: 193





	1. I've been having a hard time adjusting

**Author's Note:**

> sexual content in the last scene, not super explicit

Henry has been gone for three months and Regina is bored. She’s admittedly not sure if bored is the right word. It feels like she’s going through withdrawal from human contact. She goes to work, she runs the town, like she always has. She eats breakfast and dinner alone. She has occasional family gatherings with the unCharmings, where she watches their happiness and feels increasingly guilty with every passing moment. Snow and Charming are so pleased living their picturesque life with their new baby. Emma has felt further away from Regina than ever since she got engaged to the filthy pirate. Maybe the only reason they were ever close was their responsibility of saving this stupid town every other week. But the last three months had been eerily peaceful so there was no need for them to spend time together.

More excruciating than her cloyingly sweet interactions with the unCharmings were the interactions with Zelena and Robyn. She understood that holding a grudge against her sister made her a hypocrite, but she couldn’t look at the mother daughter duo directly. She couldn’t help but consider how different things would be if Robin were still alive. Her and Robin would be raising little Robyn alongside Zelena. Regina would be something less like an aunt and closer to a mother. A past version of Regina would blame Zelena for the whole thing. Admittedly some of it was directly her fault, but Robin’s death wasn’t, not really. Regina avoided holding baby Robyn at all costs though, it would make her want too much.

Regina felt guilty for not being happy. There was nothing holding her back. She had reconciled with the dark parts of her heart, there were no authors or curses, why couldn’t she be happy. Some days she got angry at Emma for promising her a happy ending and not following through, but what could Emma really do. There was nothing anyone could do.

* * *

Regina cannot say for certain why she starts having sex with Mal. It’s not like last time. Last time they had both been teetering on the edge of oblivion. Regina was so full of her own delusions and anger, and Mal had given up on everything. That had been what caused the fire between the two of them, Regina’s confidence in her own delusions had brought Mal back to the surface, ready to fight. In turn Regina had eagerly been on the receiving end of all of Mal’s experience, both sexual and magical. Mal had helped her harness a power she didn’t know she had. Regina had been so desperate for any kind of attention or affection at all that she relished every bit of pleasure Mal gave her and followed her every instruction in a way highly unbecoming of a queen. 

This was different though. They are both stable now. Regina was a bonafide good guy. Mal had a functional relationship with her formly estranged daughter and hasn't tried to kill anyone in years. Their relationship was not one built on desperation. Mal still knows how to undo her in a way no one else ever has, but it’s too nice now. When Regina teases the most Mal does is softly pin her wrists to the bed. When Mal makes demands of her it’s with a smirk without any threat. Regina sees how it’s better like this, but a worse part of her hates it. She wants to be consumed. She wants to be set on fire. She wants enough pain to drown out all her other thoughts. She can’t begrudge Mal for any of it just like she can’t begrudge the Charmings or Zelena or Emma. She’s the one who isn’t keeping up, not being happy enough.

She makes sure to master her smile before she calls Henry each week. He’s a good boy and he’s grown increasingly more protective of her in the last couple of years. She doesn’t want him to worry. 

Regina and Mal were leaving Granny’s when Mal said “Regina, what are you doing?”

“Do you mean right now, or just in general?” was Regina’s poor attempt at deflection. Mal’s level gaze answered her question. “What are _you_ doing Mal?” Regina was turning hostile.

Mal rolled her eyes and calmly answered. “I’m having a casual sexual relationship with an old friend whom I trust, who also happens to be very hot and a good lay.”

“Who says I’m not doing the same.” Mal’s glare shut her up again.

“You’re not happy,” Mal says.

“I’m trying”

“You’re hiding from something.”

“I’m not.”

“Regina.” Mal was being too level and rational for Regina to deal with her right now. “I know what you want from me and I’m not going to start doing it. I think it would be bad for both of us. We’re not those people anymore. I’m perfectly happy to keep having sex with you till you go fall in love with someone, but I also do want you to be happy.”

“Till I fall in love with someone?”

“I’ll see you on Saturday?” Mal ignored her outraged statement and maintained her calm, bemused demeanor. She started to walk away, leaving Regina frozen on the sidewalk, unable to believe the conversation that just happened. “Just think about it Regina. You should be happy.”

As Mal left Regina standing in front of Granny’s she felt seen in a way she was not prepared for, in a way she didn’t want. Suddenly tears were forming in her eyes and her breaths were coming shorter and shorter. It all hit her like a wave then and she was full on crying. She felt stupid and weak. She ducked into the small alley between Granny’s and the cobblers next to it. She braced herself against the wall and let herself cry hard enough that her shoulders shook. She was drowning.

Then there was a hand on her shoulder. She attempted to shake the person off and wave away the unwanted attention until she heard the voice that matched the person.

“Hey Gina, you’re okay, can you take a deep breath.” It was Emma, after months of barely seeing her, she was here. Regina straightened up and let Emma pull her closer as her sobs waned. Emma continued to mutter reassuring nothings to Regina till her tears fully petered out and Regina was left feeling totally exposed for the second time in under an hour.

Emma did not walk away and leave to wallow in her foolishness. Emma pulled back so they were a half arms length away from each other. “What happened?” she whispered.

“Nothing” Regina sniffed. “I’m sorry, it’s nothing, it was just something Mal said.”

Emma clenched her jaw and fist. “Maleficent? What did she do?”

Regina recognized the flash in Emma’s eyes and realized what was happening. She reached out and grabbed Emma's closed fist in both her hands. It’s the second time they’ve touched in this interaction. “It’s fine, she didn’t do anything.” She honestly didn’t. What Mal had said was at worst a little rude and invasive but honestly probably fair concern from someone who knew this part of Regina intimately. Emma ducked her head so she could look Regian in the eye. Regina knew she was trying to read her, determine if she needed to defend Regina’s honour or not. “It was something stupid. I don’t know why it made me cry.” She dropped Emma’s hand and stepped back even further in attempts to return them to their familiar distance apart.

“Regina” Emma took a half step closer to her again. Her tone was soft like she didn’t believe her. Regina realized that she would not believe Emma either if their roles were reversed. She knew she sounded pitiful.

“Honestly, I’m just having a bad day. She just asked me if I was happy, that’s all.” Emma did not need to know anything about any past or present sexual relationships of Regina.

“You’re not happy?” This was not where Regina wanted this conversation to go. Emma looked heartbroken.

“I said no such thing.”

“If someone asks if you’re happy and you burst into tears, that does not say anything too promising about your current state.” Something in Emma’s voice was squeaking slightly.

“Emma please don’t make a big deal out of this.” She wanted to retreat into her lonely life at Mifflin street, where at least she was safe from moments like this.

“This is a big deal. I know Robin died and Henry left but I thought at least you were coping. I mean I thought you were fine, getting happier. That’s not true, I thought something was wrong but Hook said- and Mary Margaret convinced me that it was just about Robin and that it would get better in a bit. Have dinner with me tonight.” Emma cut her own mile a minute rant off abruptly.

“Dinner?”

“We’re friends right? I want to have dinner with you.” The way Emma’s voice lilted reminded Regina of the way she had begged Regina after she brought Marian back from the Enchanted Forest. It sounded like Emma was apologizing to her. Regina should make sure that Emma knew she wasn’t responsible for saving Regina from herself. Regina should kindly but firmly reject her.

“Come to my house at seven. I will be cooking.” she said instead Emma smiled.

* * *

Emma has thrown herself into a cloud of darkness for Regina, and pulled her out of a burning building, and held her as she bled to death in an alternate reality. Regina has traveled to the underworld to help Emma, and across dimensions, and has held control of Emma’s free will in her two hands. All this being said, Regina was nervous about dinner. She could recall a few times that they sat together, one-on-one, without an ulterior motive. 

She had the entire table set at 6:58 and was in the process trying to scrape candle wax off the dining room table. She nearly jumped out of her skin when the doorbell rang. Emma wasn’t late. Emma was forty-five seconds early. Emma was holding a bouquet of flowers.

“Hi” Regina said, like the idiot she was.

“Hi” Emma said back, sounding almost equally as awkward as Regina felt. “I got you flowers, cause you invited me for dinner, yunno, cause you’re the host or whatever.” Emma’s eyes were getting bigger with each passing moment. She thrust the flowers at Regina jerkily. 

“You invited yourself for dinner.”

Emma deflated a little. “You’re the one who offered to cook.” She was borderline pouting. 

“They’re lovely. Come in.”

Dinner went well enough to ease Regina’s nerves. Emma scarfed down the chicken like a feral dog and spoke with her mouth full and laughed gamely at Regina’s teasing. It was strange but easy to be around Emma with the Charmings and the pirate and the constant threat of destruction. After dinner Emma suggests a movie and Regina is relishing the company too much to refuse. She pretends to be upset that Emma insists upon something sci fi but really it just reminds her of Henry and she’s amused. Halfway through the movie Emma pulls Regina’s feet onto her lap. It’s very familiar and Regina supposes it’s justified, they are technically very familiar with each other. The movie was weirder than the description let on, and more inappropriate as well. Emma’s habitual reactions led Regina to believe that she had not expected this either. 

Regina couldn’t help but blush at some of the scenes. It seemed oddly inappropriate to be watching sexual content next to the saviour. It was like mixing two contradictory thoughts in her mind. Emma had to remain an asexual being in her mind, for her own sanity.

“She reminds me of you” Emma nodded towards the screen.

Regina sputtered in undignified outrage, “what?”

Emma laughed. “The total sexy, lure you in then eat you in my lair vibe.”

“What?”

“Especially when I first got here, you were all about being all scary sexy, am I going to kill you or are we about to fuck.”

Emma was saying this like it was a given. The spot where Emma’s hands were resting on her thigh felt shockingly warm now. Emma did not think about her sexually. Emma could not think about her sexually. “Miss Swan, if you were attracted to me while I was trying to kill you, that really seems like you’re the one with issues.”

Emma laughed even harder at that and gently shoved her. “Shut up! You know you were being sexy on purpose, it’s like a black widow thing.”

Regina shot her a sly grin “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Regina felt still in that moment, and hopeful, the feeling would fade soon after the door shut behind Emma an hour later.

* * *

By the time Mal arrived on Saturday Regina felt like she was set to vibrate out of her skin. She had had 48 hours to think about Emma and it had not gone well. She could not stop contemplating the feeling of Emma’s hands, however brief and platonic it had been. She turned everything Emma said over and over in her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Emma’s voice sounded like when she said sexy. On a totally unrelated note Regina almost came to blows when she saw the pirate yesterday walking down the street. She was sure the impulse to punch him had nothing to do with Emma and was just a side effect of his general demeanor. Mal opened the door with a bottle of wine in her hand, not an unusual sight. Regina had no patience for drinking and chatting tonight though. She wanted to turn off the stream of thoughts rattling through her brain. 

She lunges at Mal the moment she is through the front door. Mal reacts immediately. She drops the bottle of wine and it shatters on the floor, one of them will magic it away later. She wraps her arms around Regina and pulls her in closer. She whirls them around and pushes Regina up against the closed front door, just hard enough for Regina’s breath to hitch but not hard enough to hurt. Regina bite Mal’s bottom lip and Mal breaks away from their kiss and moves to Regina’s neck. She bites Regina’s earlobe and then the sweet spot on her neck right below it. Regina gasps a little and threads her fingers into the older woman’s hair and pulls.

Mal grabs Regina’s blouse and pulls it open. Regina can not be bothered by the tearing and the popping buttons, they’ll magic it away later. Right now Regina just wants more. Mal’s fingers roll and then pinch her exposed nipples while her mouth trails a line of hot kisses from her neck down to the valley of her breasts. Regina keens and pulls Mal’s hair again. Mal grabs Regina by the wrists and presses her hands firmly to the door. She sucks on each peaked nipple in turn and bites the soft flesh of Regina’s breast. 

Even if Mal won’t give her what she really wants, this is something at least, this is helping drown out the noise of her brain, and god it does feel good. Mal releases one of her hands so she can reach up Regina’s skirt and pull off her panties. It wouldn’t take much to get Regina to beg now. Mal doesn’t though, she simply drops to her knees amid the pooling wine and broken glass. She lets go of Regina’s other hand and hooks her left leg up onto her shoulder. Mal’s head is half hidden under Regina’s skirt so when Regina looks down she only sees a full head of blonde hair and the thought ‘Emma’ crosses her mind for a split second before Mal’s tongue comes into contact with her clit. Regina is suddenly fully aware of how fucked she is. She wants to cry but instead she finds herself moaning under the stimulation of Mal's ministrations. Her hands return to Mal’s hair and it’s not enough, nothing is enough, she can still hear her own thoughts. “More” she gasps, not knowing what she's' referring to. Mal presses two fingers inside her and Regina arches, pressing her back into the door. Mal thrusts and twists and Regina chokes on her breath for a moment. Then Regina closes her eyes and sees Emma and all she can do is demand “more” again. Mal adds a third finger and increases her pace. It hurts just enough to make Regina moan. And Mal is still eating her out with a vigour that Regina would be impressed by if she had and spare thoughts. Mal brings her spare hand up onto Regina’s thigh that is resting on her shoulder for balance and Regina thinks of Emma’s hand again. In that moment Mal sucks on Regina’s clit in time with a thrust of her fingers and Regina comes hard with no warning. She presses the back of her hand over her mouth and chokes out a sob.

After Mal has carried her through her orgasm she disentangles them and lets Regina slide to the floor. Mal’s hair and lipstick are a mess. The bottom of her dress is soaked in red wine. Regina’s shirt is ruined and she feels inexplicably close to tears. 

  



	2. its hard to be anywhere these days..

Family dinner the next day brought a whole fresh hell that Regina was entirely unprepared for. She walked from Mifflin street to the loft instead magically transporting herself. A part of her was hoping that the cold outdoor air would center her. Don’t think about Emma, don’t think about orgasms, don’t think about thinking about Emma during orgasms. There was no universe where this went well. She would have to settle for not looking at Emma at all.

Emma greeted her with a smile when she knocked, and Regina’s plan for the night was already out the window. “Regina!”

“Miss Swan” Regina said in a reflexively cool tone. 

Emma rolled her eyes “Come on grumpy, I made drinks.” The drinks Emma made tasted like mostly whiskey and were truly awful. David and Hook were on the couch holding their own full glasses of Emma’s concoction, while Mary Margaret bustled in the kitchen. “Do anything fun this weekend?” Emma is bafflingly trying to small talk with her right now.

“You know me, just luring men into my basement lair to eat them alive” Regina deadpaned. Emma laughed a genuine laugh and Regina felt like this interaction was going well until she noticed the peculiar way Hook and David were looking at them. Is it her that is acting out of the ordinary? Is she standing too close to Emma? Is she looking at her too much? She took a long drag of the vile drink

The dinner conversation was dominated by Hook and the Charmings, just like it usually is at these insipid things. This time however, Emma seemed set on making eye contact with her as often as possible. When Snow said something especially obtuse or nauseating Emma smiled at Regina and rolled her eyes. Regina found herself smiling more and more as the meal progressed. Every ‘can you believe these people’ look that Emma shot at her made her smile a little more. Then Regina looked up at Emma again and was instead met with Hook’s level gaze. He narrowed his eyes knowingly, and the smile slid off Regina’s face. He glanced at Emma who was focused on her food, and then back at Regina again who had been unsuccessful in averting her gaze. 

“Your Majesty, is that a love bite” Hook drawled in a mocking tone.

Regina blanched and Emma choked on her food. “Oh my god Regina he’s right! That’s a hickey!” Emma’s childish nature seemed to take over.

“I didn’t know you had a special new man in your life” Snow gushed, and Regina could wring her neck right now. Regina hid her face behind her hands as Emma’s laughter got more neurotic. “Who is he?” Snow demanded.

“There is no special new man in my life” Regina snapped.

“Come on, there has to be”

“Drop it, there isn’t” Regina snapped. Emma’s laughter petered out and her expression changed. She would kill Hook and Mal for causing this interaction. 

“Guys leave her be,” David says diplomatically. 

“That is quite enough family time for me” Regina said, putting down her cutlery and making like she was going to get up and leave.

“Come on Regina” Emma pouted. “We were just joking, sit back down.” When confronted with Emma’s big green eyes Regina had no choice but to sit back down and tolerate the rest of dinner. Then Emma was sending her soft reassuring smiles instead of funny faces and that was worse. Regina could not fathom why Emma kept looking at her, it was making this harder. When she was finally able to leave without causing a scene Emma walked with her right to the door and into the hallway, leaving the Charmings and Hook inside.

“Sorry about that.”

“Which part, exactly are you sorry about Miss Swan?” Regina snarked.

Emma faltered a little. “I don’t know, all of it?” Emma was looking at her feet. “They can all be a little overwhelming, I get that. I don’t know why Killian brought that up.” Regina blushed a little and instinctively reached to cover the spot on her neck. “I-I shouldn’t have laughed. I should only mock you in private, not in front of them. We’re the two normal ones, we should stick together.”

“Are we the normal ones?”

“Okay, maybe they’re all normal and we’re the weird ones. Either way, we should be sticking together.” Regina always felt that they were a team, Emma was the first person in decades she had learned how to just be around. Something had started the moment that Emma’s hand on her shoulder jump started her magic, all those years ago, right after the curse broke. It’s possible that it started earlier, maybe when Emma pulled her out of that fire, before she even knew who she was. Either way, over the years, time and time Regina and Emma had been the duo. They’d solved the problems, and gotten things done, and pulled each other (and everyone else) back to safety again and again. For the last number of months she’d been afraid that her perception of their partnership had been a byproduct of Henry, or of their status as the magical ones of the group. But now Emma was looking at her with such warmth. Regina felt herself nodding in agreement. Emma smiled at her. Regina felt like she was gonna choke on her tongue. The ways her daily routine had been changing in the last few days were dizzying. The only thing worse than being alone was having hope that you wouldn’t be alone and then still ending up that way.

* * *

Two days later Emma brought her lunch. 

“What’s this?” Regina questions.

“We’re having lunch.” Emma said simply. She sat down and left no room for debate. Regina could not remember the last time she stopped a work day to eat lunch. Emma brought a fully loaded turkey sandwich on rye bread with a side salad for Regina. It is not her usual order but Emma always objected to the idea that salads were a full meal. Besides it was better than the greasy mess Emma brought for herself. Regina set about diligently removing the top piece of bread and strategizing at the least embarrassing way to eat this in front of Emma.

“Uh Uh, absolutely not” Emma’s garbled exclamation interrupted her line of thought. She swallowed her mouthful of burger and continued her loud objection. “No way are you not eating that piece of bread. Bread makes you happy.”

“Miss Swan, do I look like someone who eats bread?” Regina snarked back. She did not miss the appraising look Emma gave her.

“Maybe if you ate bread I wouldn’t find you crying in alleyways.” At Regina’s aghast expression Emma immediately edited herself. “Sorry are we not joking about that yet?”

“No I don’t believe we are”

“Huh, let me know when we’re there.” Regina would be infuriated if she wasn’t so charmed by the absurd reaction to her embarrassing display of emotion. “Aren’t royalty supposed to be fat or something anyways? Like cause they were the only ones who could afford to eat? I remember learning about it in history class. And like to show off their child bearing hips.”

“What?” Regina squawked.  
“You know? Like how have you always been so skinny, weren’t you a queen?”

“The beauty standards are different in the Enchanted Forest than they were in medieval Europe.” Regina was laughing a little despite her attempts at indignation. “Besides I was a second wife, I did not need ‘child bearing hips’ I just needed to be ornamental.”

Emma seemed to darken a little at that. She reached out and put the top piece of bread back on Regina’s sandwich and said “Well now you don’t need to be _ornamental_ , you need to eat bread and be happy.” 

Regina took an obliging bite and tried to lighten the mood. “You’re just plotting to ruin my figure.”

“I don’t think anything could ruin your figure Madam Mayor.” Emma’s voice is just a little too low for Regina to do anything but shiver.

* * *

That evening when she was sitting home alone she could not stop her mind from wandering. She sat in silence and ate cold leftovers and drank red wine and thought of Emma eating dinner with the pirate. She could not stop the feelings of bitterness as she pictured a warm and bright apartment with the assurance of constant companionship. At this point in the night Zelena would be preparing Robyn for bed, as would the Charmings with Neal. She could call Mal perhaps. This was not one of the days that Mal and Lily had one of their strained family nights together, she would be free. Mal picked up her phone on the first ring and got to Mifflin street in under thirty minutes.

Regina had hid all evidence of her pathetic and lonely dinner by the time Mal arrived, as well as changed back into her work outfit for that day. Mal was dressed more casually, her hair was unpinned and she wasn’t wearing her signature red lipstick. She looked like Regina had gotten her out of bed, or at least off the couch and Regina immediately felt guilty.

“Hello Pet” the use of the old nickname made Regina cringe a little. It had started out as a term that Mal used to mock Regina, but over their time together in the Enchanted Forest they’d both gotten used to it. “I’m kidding Regina” she smiled warmly. “Are you okay?”

Regina nodded. She did not want to talk, she just wanted to sit in Mal’s company but she did not know how to ask for that. That wasn’t what this was. She stepped forward into Mals space. With neither of them in heels Regina was nearly a head shorter than her. She leaned up onto her tiptoes and sealed her lips to Mal’s. At least this was familiar, at least this was easy and comforting. 

Regina let Mal take things slow and soft, only pressing forward and pulling her back in when she hesitated and looked at her with searching eyes. Afterwards as Mal slept deeply next to her Regina moved closer to her. When they slept in each other’s beds it was always out of convenience and exhaustion. They were not the type of people who cuddled. But Mal was asleep and Regina was desperate for any kind of human affection. She moved so close they were almost touching and she could feel the heat from Mals body. Dragons ran warm, even in their human forms. She tucked her head under Mal’s chin and pulled her own arms tight to her chest. In private like this she could close her eyes and imagine she was being held. 

* * *

Three days later she somehow got roped into babysitting Robyn so Zelena could have a 'me day.’ Regina honestly couldn’t blame her. Being a single mother with an infant had not been an easy task The downside of this was that Regina could not avoid baby Robyn any longer.

The morning was largely inoffensive. Robyn was just a baby. Regina loved babies. They ate breakfast and did tummy time and worked on hand-eye coordination and Regina told her stories. After Robyn’s second feeding of the day Regina attempted to put her down for a nap but she fussed every time she was out of Regina’s arms. “Okay baby” She soothed. She sat down in the rocking chair and took a chance rocking baby Robyn to sleep. The sweet baby looked up at her with familiar blue eyes.

“You have your daddy’s eyes. Did you know that baby?” Robyn yawned and blinked sleepily. “You have his name too. Has mommy ever told you about that? You’re a little young but I promise I’ll tell you all about him.” Regina was surprised to hear the tightness in her voice. She avoided thinking about Robin as much as she could. It was hard when she saw Roland out and about with the Merry Men, and harder still when she was with Robyn like this. “He was a good man and he would have been a very good daddy. Zelena is being a very good mommy, but Robin and I, we would’ve been good too.” She choked back tears as Robyn slowly drifted off to sleep in her arms.

After Robyn’s nap Regina decided they should go on a walk. She told herself that it was good stimulation of Robyn’s growing mind, but on a more honest note, she couldn’t spend another minute alone with Robyn and her own thoughts.

The first half of their walk was a pleasant breath of fresh air, but somewhere around Granny’s Robyn started to fuss and Regina started to stress. She wanted this day to end. “Hey Regina! Hey there baby!” Emma swooped in out of nowhere and scooped Robyn up out of her stroller. “Hi baby, are you giving Gina a hard time?”

It took Regina far too long to process where Emma had appeared from, the fact that she had been calling Robyn baby and not her, and the fact that she had just referred to her as Gina. “Emma?”

“Hey Regina” Emma had Robyn bouncing happily on her hip. “Are you alone with baby?” Regina knew Emma knew Robyn’s name but didn’t question her apparent refusal to use it.

“Yes. Zelena needed a day to herself.” Regina said stiffly.

“Are you alright with this whole thing?” Emma asked in her characteristic vague concern.

“Whole thing?”

“Babysitting your dead boyfriend’s daughter?”

“She’s also my niece.” Regina said tightly. “So yes I better be okay with this whole thing.”

“It’s okay if you’re not,” Emma reassured. And why did people insist in having these types of conversations with her on the most crowded street corner of this stupid town? Emma seemed to recognize her mistake just then. “Are you heading back? I’ll walk you home.” She turned in the direction of Zelena’s house and started walking, leaving Regina to push the empty stroller after her. Emma didn’t speak again until they had reached the outer limit of the town. “You know no one is blaming you if you’re having a hard time with this. It was a weird situation to begin with, even before he died.”

“I assure you Miss Swan, You have no cause for concern.”

“You know you talk more formally when you’re trying to push me away.” Regina laughed and swatted her shoulder. “Hey watch it, be careful of baby” Emma cried in mock indignation.

“She has a name”

“Yeah well I know a thing or two about having babies named after your dead ex-boyfriend. It’s not always the easiest thing.” 

“Baby Neal’s middle name is Leopold so this is hardly my first rodeo.” Regina countered. 

“Ouch” Emma wrinkled her nose in sympathy. “I think we should institute a blanket no more namesake policy for everyone in our extended family.” Regina laughed at Emma’s morbid humour. “It was cute for Henry but it’s been out of line every other time.” 

“Henry Daniel” Regina reminded Emma.

“Oh yeah. At least you’re out of dead boyfriends.”

Regina couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. “I guess someone could dive into my pool of dead girlfriends if they were really determined to make me miserable.”

She glanced over at Emma whose cheeks were tinged pink, maybe from the cold. “Do you have a lot of those?”

“No” She said hesitantly. “The women I date have a much higher survival rate than the men funnily enough.”

Emma looked at her and quickly looked away again. “That’s reassuring.”

Emma spent the rest of the night with them. She swooped in everytime the emotional weight of Robyn started to be too much for Regina. She played music to break up the heavy silence of the home. She made Regina and Robyn laugh in rotation. She insisted on doing the dishes after they finished supper. She made jokes that were charming in how inappropriate they were. She didn’t mention going back home to Hook once.

* * *

Dinner with Emma once a week had started to become a routine, as had lunch with Emma multiple times a week, as had sharing secret knowing glances with Emma throughout every Charming family dinner. 

They had just finished their fifth ever dinner together. All the awkwardness that had lingered during their first couple attempts was gone. The dishes were piled up in the sink and they had been laughing all night. Emma had convinced her to play ‘never have I ever’ which is apparently a common game for teenagers in this realm, and lead to a bit of overindulgence and oversharing on both their parts. Regina was laying on her couch as the room around her spun. Emma sat on the floor next to the couch with her head on the couch right next to Regina’s midsection. It seemed like second nature from Regina to take her hand off of her stomach and run it through Emma’s hair. Emma closed her eyes and Regina wouldn’t have been altogether surprised if she started purring.

“You know what?”

“What?” Emma murmured.

“Sometimes I feel like all the love I’ve ever had to give has been wasted.” Regina knows that the alcohol is making her melancholy but she doesn’t feel like she can stop it.

Emma opens her eyes to look at her. “I don’t think love can be wasted.” And Regina could drown in those eyes.

“When someone loves someone, and it’s real and true, you expect it to do something. Love breaks curses and creates saviours and saves lives. My love just floats into the air and disappears.” She gestured vaguely with the hand that had previously been in Emma’s hair.

“That’s not true.” Emma’s brow was furrowed.

“That’s easy for you to say. You do everything right. You break curses. You save your true love from the pits of hell.” Since Emma got to Storybrooke she’d been living the charmed Charming life just as much as her parents. Regina knew she sounded bitter. She also knew she could be jealous and bitter and upset without anything bad coming from it. None of her negative emotions had any bite to them anymore, She was just sad.

“I don’t do everything right.

Regina cradled Emma’s face in hand. “You have in all the time I’ve known you. You’re so good.”

Emma’s brow furrowed even more. “So are you.”

“No.. I never do it right. I couldn’t save Daniel or Robin, and sometimes I think it must be because I didn’t love them enough. Everyone else is always saved, but I didn’t know how to love right for so many years.” All she wanted was for Emma to understand her in this moment. “And now,” she continued, “I think I do, but no one needs it. Henry doesn’t need it-”

“Henry will always need you” Emma interjected, cutting off Regina’s list of woes before she could really even start. 

“Not as much as he needed me before, when I was too selfish to love him properly. Not as much as he needed you when you first got here, and did everything right. I’m just sitting here not knowing what to do with all this love I found. It’s just being wasted.”

“Do you love me?” Emma’s question is was blunt it caught her off guard. She doesn’t know what to say. She can’t lie.

“Yes.”

“I promise that will never go to waste.” Emma whispered. It’s a stark enough statement to shock Regina into silence. She knew Emma did not mean it in the way that she wants her to more and more every day. Regina did not know how long they sit like that, just barely touching, more than Regina ever could’ve hoped for. 


	3. ...when all i want is you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was extra motivated to write this chapter by a super nice comment I got on chapter 2 so enjoy.
> 
> NSFW at the end, the more explicit paragraphs are italicized in case that's not your vibe (I was very much drunk while writing and have never written something that vivid before and I am highly embarrassed about it)

Since the night of their dinner it was like a wall between Emma and Regina had come down. They were routinely more affectionate with each other. They never spoke of the final conversation they had before Regina dozed off on the couch and awoke to an empty living room. Instead they continued with their lunches and their dinners and their shared looks. Regina has gotten used to Emma’s casual touches and constant company. It gave Regina something to look forward to, little pockets of hope and companionship in her days.

* * *

Emma was waiting in her kitchen when she got home from work. She was sitting on the island countertop with her feet dangling above the ground. It made her look smaller, like a little kid whose feet don’t touch the ground when they sit on a chair. It was not a total surprise that Emma broke into her house while she was out, but it was mildly surprising that she was here at all. She looked deflated, she perked up when she saw Regina. 

“How did you get in here?”

“Leaving your spare key in a fake rock is not very secure for our town’s top official.” Emma smiled warmly at her.

“Watch it. I’ll call the Sheriff on you, get you arrested for breaking and entering.” 

Emma’s smile widened and she reached her hand out and Regina stepped into her reach. Emma grabbed her hand and pulled her in closer and rested her head on Regina’s shoulder. This was not out of the range of their newfound affection but a little unusual nonetheless. Regina ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. Usually moments of physical affection like this were kept more brief and casual, or saved for late nights when they had both had a few drinks. Regina wanted to savour it but something was clearly wrong.

“Emma?” She asked in a searching tone. Panic spiked in her when the blonde’s shoulders started to shake. “Emma?” 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “I just... I need to talk to you.”

“Okay. Whenever you’re ready.”

Emma pulled back from their embrace and took a deep breath. Regina immediately wished they were closer. “I think I might be pregnant.” Everything in Regina screeched to a halt. The bubble that she had been living in for the last couple of months, where her and Emma were the only people who existed, suddenly popped. Emma had a husband. Emma had a husband who she was having sex with. Emma had a husband who she was going to have a baby with. Emma was going to have a child who would not be theirs but just hers. Regina focused on stopping any negative emotions from appearing in her reaction. She smiled as genuinely as she could. “I missed my period last month, and I didn’t think anything of it but now I missed this month too and I feel like shit and I just-” 

“Have you taken a test yet?” 

“No”

“Let’s do that first.” She tried not to read into Emma’s distress. She was just stressed and being reminded of bad times, it didn’t mean anything. Emma always reacted poorly to change. “Have you talked to the pirate yet?”

“No, I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Were you planning on having children?”

“I dunno. I think he wants kids.” It was very much like them to not discuss this sort of thing before getting married. Regina noted that Emma did not volunteer her feelings on the matter.

“Are you feeling nauseous?” Regina tucked a lock of Emma’s hair behind her ear. Emma nodded silently. “Here, come here.” Regina helped her down from the countertop. “I’m going to get some pregnancy tests. You stay here. Take a shower, or watch some TV, or eat the leftover pasta in the fridge. We can talk about this more after you’ve taken the tests.” She could do this, she was most comfortable when she was in control of the situation. She could make plans and deliver solutions. Emma nodded and leaned into Regina. And Regina wanted to say fuck it, fuck Hook and fuck the pregancy tests, and just stay here and hold Emma till everything was okay. Regina finally stepped all the way back, It was the only way she could make herself leave. “I’ll be back soon okay.”

“Okay.” The waver in Emma’s voice almost broke her. Regina fled from her own house before she could do something she would regret later.

* * *

Regina drove to Cutler to get the pregnancy test. It was a small town a little further up the coast from Storybrooke. Regina could not fathom the amount of gossip that would spawn from her buying a test locally. The lady at the pharmacy looked her over carefully as she rang up the four different pregnancy tests from four different brands before smiling at her. “You and your husband must be real excited.”

Regina gave her a tight smile. “You have no idea.” She grabbed a snickers bar and added to her haul last minute. They were Emma’s favourite. 

Regina gunned it all the way back to Storybrooke. The price she paid for privacy was having to leave Emma alone and in distress for longer than she would have liked. As she drove she tried to focus on the positives. Henry would be delighted about having a sibling. Regina would in all likelihood be named the godparent, despite how much Hook mistrusted her. She also knew she would adore this baby. She had a lot of complicated feelings about the idea about Emma being pregnant but she knew she wouldn’t take those out on Emma or the baby. How could she not love a child that was part Emma. She pictured Emma bringing the baby with her to their weekly dinner. She pictured a fussy baby growing into a curious toddler, like Henry had been. She could repress all the awful churning feelings in her gut and be what Emma needed her to be in this. She could guide her through all the moments Emma had missed with Henry. She could babysit and support and be the cool aunt who spoiled the baby rotten. She could help if the baby inherited Emma’s magic. In her head she pictured a little girl, with Emma’s hair and that classic Charming chin. By the time she pulled into the driveway of her house she had successfully compartmentalized all the ugly things she was feeling and felt ready to help.

Emma was not in the kitchen, or on the couch, or in any of the bathrooms, or in the guestroom she sometimes crashed in. Eventually Regina found her in her own room, in her bed, laying on top of the covers. The sight of Emma in her bed was almost too much for Regina. “Hey” Emma said sheepishly. “I was looking for sweatpants but I got distracted.”

Regina smiled and tossed the Snickers at her. “Let’s go.”

Regina sat just outside the bathroom with her back turned to the door. When Emma emerged from the bathroom, dressed in Regina’s sweatpants, Regina set a timer on her phone for three minutes. Emma sat down next to her with about an inch of space between them. “Four tests, very thorough.” She remarked.

“I wanted to be sure.” Regina responded.

Emma chuckled morosely. “You’ve done this before.” Regina shook her head no. “What never? Not even a scare?”

“I can’t get pregnant.”

“Oh”

“A long time ago, after I killed the king, my mother was trying to marry me off again, and I thought she was trying to have me produce an heir, so she could be rid of me and keep the throne. I was paranoid and a little unhinged and I made sure that that wouldn’t be a threat anymore.”

“Oh.” Emma said again.

“She claimed that wasn’t her plan but I don’t think I’ve ever believed her. I don’t regret it. I thought I was fighting for my life.”

“That’s fucked up.” Emma said. “I’m sorry that happened.”

“It was a long time ago.” Regina dismissed. She’d never told anyone that story before, not even Robin, not even when he asked about the possibility of more children.

“I always pictured you with more kids eventually.” Emma said. “I don’t know why. You just love Henry so much and you’re so great with babies.” It was odd that they were having this conversation now, while waiting for Emma’s pregnancy test results.

“Maybe I’d adopt again if I were in the right place. But the time has never been right. It was very nice to have Henry and Roland and baby Robyn all in the same house. Even if it only lasted a brief period of time. I do like kids.” She knew more kids was a pipe dream for her, but it was nice to fantasize for a moment. 

The timer on her phone went off and Emma got up and went back into the bathroom without a word. Emma emerged again with a totally blank expression on her face. “All four were negative.” Regina’s heart jumped but she waited for any sort of queue from Emma as to what her reaction should be. “All four were negative.” Emma’s face broke out in a smile and she ran her hands through her hair. “Thank god.” Regina smiled and stood up. Emma wrapped her into and enthusiastic hug and lifted her up off the ground laughing a little. “Let’s have some celebratory drinks.” 

They talked about anything but children for the first three drinks. Regina’s head was bursting with unanswered questions but she let Emma take the lead for now. She didn’t want to push when Emma wasn’t ready. Finally when she couldn’t take it anymore she asked “How come you didn’t want to be pregnant so badly? You’re married. You have a stable job. You clearly like kids. You said he wants kids. What am I missing here?”

Emma took a deep drag of her drink. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Of course.”

“I realized I didn’t want to have a baby with Killian.” Regina just barely bit back a gasp. “I have a lot of trauma related to my first pregnancy, and I’m so happy with how it turned out in the end, with you and Henry, but the trauma is still there. And I realized I don’t trust Killian to navigate that with me.”

“He’s your husband.” Regina said, shocked.

“I know! Isn’t that fucked up?” Emma sighed. “The worst part is I’m not even opposed to having more kids in general. I really loved learning how to be Henry’s mom, and that year in New York with the fake memories you gave me felt really good. I like really liked that day we spent with baby Robyn. I've never done the baby stuff before, I just don’t think I could do it with Killian.”

“Your husband.” Regina said again incredulously. She felt a little crazy here, was Emma not hearing how insane this sounded.

“I know Regina.” She laughed a little. “I didn’t know what that meant, or what to do, I haven’t processed anything. I just wanted to come here and see you.” Regina could relate to that impulse. They were sitting on barstools next to each other. “I don’t even know what I’m going to do now. I’m just glad you’re here.”

“You broke into my house dear, I didn’t have much of a choice.”

Emma laughed and reached out to cradle Regina’s face tenderly in her hand. Regina savoured the moment. “I’m really glad you’re here.” And then Emma was leaning forward, and tilting Regina head upwards and Regina was closing her eyes and leaning into the touch. Then their lips met and every rational thought in Regina’s head imploded and vanished.

For a few seconds it is a shy, close mouthed kiss, and then Emma’s other hand comes up to frame the other side of Regina’s face, and Regina could just swoon. Emma stands so she can press her body closer to Regina who is still sitting. Regina parts her lips and Emma starts kissing her deeper. Regina’s head is swimming. She doesn’t know what to do with her hands.

They part for a moment, both breathing heavily. Emma rests her forehead against Regina’s and slowly starts moving her hand, off of Regina’s jaw and down her neck then slowly to the buttons of her shirt. Regina nods desperately, urging Emma on. Emma’s pupils are huge and she’s looking at Regina so intensely. She unbuttons the first few buttons of Regina’s shirt and moves her hands to the small of her back. Emma attacks the exposed skin with a vigour that is unsurprising. She is kissing and nipping Regina’s neck down to her collarbone and then the valley of her breasts. Regina throws her head back to give Emma unencumbered access. She weaves her fingers through Emma’s beautiful hair and tugs gently. Emma borderline whimpers and bites Regina’s breast. She moves her hands down to Regina’s ass and pulls their cores tighter together. In response Regina wraps her legs around Emma. 

Emma pulls away from Regina again and Regina leans towards her in response, not wanting to break contact. “Regina, can I take you upstairs?”

Regina reaches out and runs her thumb over Emma’s bottom lip. “Yes.” Her voice is low and gravelly and she can’t believe this is happening. Without a moment of hesitation Emma picks Regina up off the barstool. Regina squeals in surprise and has to wrap legs tighter, and grab Emma’s shoulders to stay up. “Emma! I can walk!” Her voice sounds so light and girlish.

“Nuh uh.” Emma grunts out as she moves towards the stairs. “You’re so gorgeous, you should never have to walk anywhere. It would be a crime.”

Regina giggles, honest to god giggles at that. It is something only Emma Swan would say. Emma Swan thinks she’s gorgeous. It all makes her feel so light. This is her best friend. This is her best friend who she is in love with.

The ease with which Emma carries her up the stairs and kicks open the door to her bedroom turns Regina on like crazy. She throws her down on the bed and is looking at Regina with dark eyes. Regina pulls her unbuttoned shirt over her head and throws it across the room. She regrets the plainness of her bra, Emma deserves something spectacular. So she removes it without preamble and throws it in the direction of her shirt. Emma freezes and stares at her with such genuine appreciation that Regina blushes. “You’re so perfect.” Emma says. And they’ve barely spoken since this encounter began but everything Emma says is exactly right.

“Come here.” Is Regina’s response, because Emma is fully dressed still and Regina wants to touch her. Emma steps closer to the foot of the bed and Regina gets up onto her knees so they are closer to the same height. She pushes the flannel off of her shoulder, appreciating the tone of her arm. She slowly pulled the white tank top up over her head. Regina leans down and kisses her way up Emma’s stomach till she reaches her breasts. She takes an exposed nipple in her mouth and sucks softly. Emma keens and Regina grabs her free nipple and twists gently. 

“Shit.” Emma whispers.

In response Regina took Emma’s nipple between her teeth and pulls. “Fuck Regina!” Regina can’t help but grin against Emma skin as she continues her ministrations. Emma tastes as good as Regina imagined. She couldn’t stop touching her abs with her free hand. “I knew you’d be a biter” Emma remarks with clear affection in her voice. Regina bites her breast in response, hard. She likes the idea of marking Emma.

Emma pulls her back up and kisses her with abandon. She pushes her down and climbs on top of her pressing her into the mattress. Regina parts her legs and lets Emma rest in the cradle of her hips. They’ve been moving at such a languid pace. Any other night Regina could do this forever but she wants more. She digs her blunt fingernails into Emma’s muscular back. Emma grabs her hands and presses them down into the mattress next to them, intertwining their fingers.

“Regina?”

“Mmm?”

“Do you want me to fuck you?” Emma whispers in her ear before biting her earlobe.

“Oh my god, yes.”

_Emma complies immediately. Without breaking their kiss she unbuttons Regina’s pants and pushes them down her legs. She kisses every inch of Regina from her mouth down to the apex of her thigh. Emma hooked her finger around the waistband of Regina’s underwear and slowly, slowly slid them down to join her pants on the floor. Emma’s hands are still gentle as she spreads Regina’s legs and Regina hears Emma inhale sharply. She runs a finger through the folds of her labia and Regina shivers at the promise of her touch. “You’re so wet for me Gina.” Emma leans down, and finally puts her mouth where Regina wants it. She’s rotating between licking and sucking and Regina is rocking her hips in time with Emma’s movements. Something is coiling inside Regina’s core. She threads her hands into Emma’s hair and pulls her in closer. Emma teases her entrance with two fingers and Regina pushes her hips towards her._

_“Emma please.” Emma complies and soon they are fucking at a frenzied pace. Emma uses one hand to pin Regina’s hips to the bed while the other maintains a steady rhythm. Regina feels herself coiling tighter as Emma latches her mouth onto her clit and sucks. Regina’s back arches off the bed and she can’t stop the sound that comes out of her mouth. She’s so close, if Emma would just-. And then Emma adds a third finger and thrusts deep and Regina cums._

Emma crawls up and lays down next to Regina on her stomach with a satisfied smirk. Regina turns to look at her and can't help but smile in response to Emma’s shit eating grin. “I knew you were a pillow princess.” Emma says in a light teasing tone, clear that she is not serious, but Regina can not let a challenge go unmet. She can’t help but think that this is the second time Emma has implied that she thought about this moment before it happened. 

She rolls Emma over onto her back and straddles her with intention. “Excuse you, I am a queen.” Emma looks up at her with undisguised wonder.

Later they lay, naked and sweaty, facing each other. Regina can’t keep her hands to herself and Emma keeps smiling at her. It’s perfect. The way Emma’s hair looks like a halo in the low light is perfect. Regina drifts off to sleep basking in the way Emma runs her fingers over her bare skin.

* * *

Regina wakes up the next morning to a cold bed. Any trace of Emma is long gone. She convinces herself for a moment that everything that happened yesterday was a dream. But the sweatpants Emma borrowed were crumbled at the foot of the bed, and the four negative pregnancy tests were still in the bathroom sink and Emma was gone. Regina sits on the cold bathroom tile and cries.


	4. I don't quite know what to say..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Lionessmon for your comments

Regina did not leave her house for the next four days. Regina barely turned on the lights in the mansion for the next four days. The battery in her phone died and she didn’t charge it, She doesn’t want to know who’s trying to contact her and she doesn’t want confirmation that it’s no one. 

* * *

She knew she missed her call with Henry on Saturday morning but she assumed that he won’t be overly bothered, it’s the first week they’ve missed and he’s a busy boy. On Saturday night Mal came knocking like usual. She persisted for an impressive amount of time before leaving Regina to her misery. She felt a little like a ghost. It is too easy for her to disappear entirely. She was acutely aware that she had ruined the one positive thing in her life. She is equally as aware that by ignoring Mal and Henry she is ruining her chances of salvaging some sort of contentment. The idea of plugging in her phone and seeing what awaited her there made her nauseous. She did not think she could take being formally rejected by Emma, after everything. Emma had promised that Regina’s love for her wouldn’t go to waste.

* * *

Being alone like this was comfortable, if exhausting. The past years of her life, that featured a rotating door of company, were ultimately the outlier in her life. As the queen, then the evil queen, then the solitary mayor of a cursed town, Regina was not a stranger to being alone. The quiet felt more stark when experienced in such close contrast to the past months that had been full of Emma. Regina slept in a guest bedroom so she doesn’t have to look at her bed where it happened. She is pathetic. The voice in her head that tells her this sounds suspiciously like Cora but that was a whole different set of unresolved issues that Regina can not even think about right now.

* * *

Then on the fifth day there is someone knocking on her door again. She vaguely assumes it’s Mal and ignores it. The knocking gets louder and louder and then there is a different sound, like a cracking. Is Mal breaking down her door? The cracking and the loud bang happens again and again. Regina gets up and starts moving towards the door. “Mal?” With one more loud bang the front door swung open, the door jam splitting away from the wall. There stood Snow, planting her foot after kicking down Regina’s door.

“What the fuck?’ Regina cried.

“Regina,” Snow was a little out of breath, “you look awful.”

Regina was wearing the sweatpants and an old shirt of Henry’s that he’d left behind. She knew without having to check in a mirror that her hair was messy and she had not done even her standard makeup in four days. “You broke my front door.”

“You weren’t answering your phone.”

“Ah yes, those seem like equivalent actions.” 

“You didn’t even answer Henry’s call. He’s worried, he asked us to check up on you. Maleficent talked to me too.” 

“Mal hates you.” Regina snapped.

“So imagine how surprising it was that she talked to me. She said quote: ‘Regina is doing poorly, worse than she has been this whole fucking time.’” Fucking Mal. “She absolutely refused to elaborate when I asked follow-up questions. It was a concerning and confusing interaction.” Regina could picture it 

Regina was practiced at doing this. She could plaster on a smile and get rid of Snow in under ten minutes. This is what she’d been doing with Snow since she was a little girl. Regina was expertly trained in the art of smoothing over things like this, it was just like maneuvering through court. Regina took a deep breath to school her expression and was immediately met with a dubious look from Snow and stopped short.

“Don’t do that,” Snow said softly. And Regina found she couldn’t, didn’t even want to. 

“Perhaps they are right to be concerned.” Regina gritted out. Each necessary word was like pulling teeth. Snow reached out to her with those awful sad puppy eyes and Regina waited for her to start in on whatever encouraging speech came to mind. Snow just stood in the vacuum of silence and waited for Regina. “It is possible that things are not going well,” Regina tried again, willing herself to say something useful. “I may have ruined a number of interpersonal relationships, and I am not feeling rather alone.” She sounded like a robot trying to talk for the first time.

“Oh, Regina.” Snow pulled Regina in for a stiff hug. Damn those Charmings, why couldn’t they leave her be. She slowly moved her hands up to Snow’s back. “I’m sure you didn’t ruin anything.”

“I ruined everything.” She didn’t know if she was talking about sleeping with Emma, or sleeping with Mal, or ignoring Mal and Henry when they tried to speak to her, or just letting everything get so bad.

“Have you talked to any of these people?”

“I can’t.”

“Nothing will ever get better unless you do.” 

“I can't,” Regina repeated, unable to elaborate. 

“At least call Henry. And talk to Maleficent. They’ll keep harassing me until you do.” Regina smiled a little at the thought. “I know you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, but I’m not letting you be alone in this stupid big house.”

“Is that a threat?” Regina said dryly. She was shocked and touched by how well Snow was reading her, shocked that Snow was even trying at all.

“Maybe.”

“Are you going to fix my front door?”

“No. The door is a warning. I have to go pick up Neal from preschool, but I’ll be back frequently. We are going to socialize, and spend time together, and if you want to talk to me about anything you can. If you even think about not opening the door, I’ll kick it down again.”

* * *

Regina met Mal in Granny’s. They sat in a booth at the back and drank coffee in silence for a while. “I’m sorry I didn’t open the door on Saturday.”

“I’m not mad about that.”

“Are you mad about something?”

“I’m worried.” Mal's voice was strained

“I’m sorry,”

Mal sighed and took a deep drag of her lukewarm coffee. “Regina you don’t need to apologize about me being worried.”  
“You’re so worried that you spoke to _Snow White_ about me.” Regina smirked, teasing. Mal’s eyes glinted a little at that. “You’re right though, to be worried.” Regina admitted. “I think I’m maybe ready to start trying to fix things. I also think that means we have to stop...”

“I know.” Mal forced out a smile that Regina was sure she meant to be reassuring. “I only want what’s best for you. If it’s not fun for you...”

“It was very fun while it lasted” Regina shot her an exaggerated wink.

Mal rolled her eyes. “It’s okay, really. I know what sort of soppy romantic you are. Anything casual with you has an expiry date.”

Regina snorted. “But not you right? Maleficent would never want romance or have feelings.”

“I loved you once.” And it’s not an accusation or an added weight to all of the feelings that Regina is not strong enough to feel properly. It’s just honesty. It’s an acknowledgement that both of them have been missing.

“Me too.” Regina admited, because she remembered the feeling. It was so very different from loving Daniel that she hadn’t even recognized it at the time. However loving Emma was a third feeling that was different still from both the others. Maybe love was a few degrees changed every time, or maybe that was a product of Regina’s changing. One love for the innocent child who was destroyed. One love for the Evil Queen who could do nothing but destroy, and one love for whatever she was now, Regina Mills.

“Neither of us were ready for it.”

“No.” Regina replied sadly.

“I thought reliving a part of it would be nice, but it’s too late for both of us.” Regina wondered when Mal became so well adjusted, lamented that it happened now and not decades ago. She cannot help but remember the theory of wasted love that she drunkenly spouted to Emma all those weeks ago. She stands by it, the contradiction of it. She does not love Mal anymore. She would not change anything, but she feels the need to lament their poor timing nonetheless.

“We could still be friends maybe?” Regina proposeed timidly.

“We are friends.”

“Maybe we could spend time together, in the daylight, outside of my bedroom.”

“And your kitchen and your front hallway and your office...” The teasing in her tone cut through Regina’s melancholy.

“Mal!” Regina interrupted.

“Of course we can be normal friends. We can have lunch, or coffee, or something horribly pedestrian like that.” Regina felt a weight being lifted off of her. “You could help me and Lily work on her magic control. It would be nice to have a mediator who knows what she’s going through, can relate to her anger problems, and isn’t her estranged mother.”

“That sounds nice.” Regina liked the thought of being useful and needed. She liked the idea of having a friend who knew her as effortlessly as Mal did.

* * *

Over the next couple of days Regina continued to leave her house more and more. She had not seen Emma or the pirate and dreaded the day she would eventually run into one of them. Snow made good on her promise (or threat) to continue to check up on Regina so she couldn’t disappear. They spent a reasonable amount of time together and Regina discovered that she was excellent with Neal. He was talking and toddling and called her Gina because he was bad with Rs. He tended to reach for her with his chubby arms when she was in the vicinity. His eyes were just like Snow’s and he made her miss Roland and Henry even more acutely. Once when Neal cried out “Gina” and demanded to be picked up Snow made a confusing comment about how being enamored by Regina must be genetic. Regina thought of Emma and her stomach turned and she didn’t dare ask for clarification.

* * *

It was actually on Snow’s suggestion that she met David at the stable one afternoon. Between her years trapped in Leopold's castle, her decades preoccupied with evil schemes, and her difficult past with stables, Regina had not ridden horses since she was a teenager. 

“Hey” David said when she nervously walked into the stable. She had created it in the original curse because she just assumed stables were as common in this world as they were in the enchanted forest. The last time she had been inside she’d been saving Henry from the frankenstein version of Daniel. That was over six years ago. 

“Hello David.” 

“I know it’s been awhile since you’ve rode so I thought I’d go over some basic safety stuff with you-”

“Absolutely not.” Regina leveled him with her best threatening glare. “I am a thoroughly competent rider and will not be babied. Just show me which horse to use.” David looked dubious but guided Regina to a beautiful dappled mare in a stall near the back. “Leave me, I have to bond with her.” Regina waved her hand dismissively. 

David insisted on saddling up his own horse and riding alongside her. Regina was so caught up with the feeling of being on horseback that she was barely annoyed by his hovering. It felt natural to be doing this. She had remembered almost everything, though she was sure her form was off. She started to pick up speed, her hair, too short for a braid, whipped behind her. She urged her horse forward faster and faster. This was the first kind of freedom she was ever allowed as a child and it felt just as sweet now as it did then.

She slows to a stop at the crest of the next hill. It takes almost a minute for David to catch up for her and his eyes are wild and Regina is sure that Snow told him to watch out for her and her little burst of speed scared him. She turned to him, intending to throw him her best haughty holier-than-thou expression but saw his windswept hair and flustered expression and laughed instead. David shot her a questioning look and she laughed even harder. Her heart was still pounding from the ride over and she felt light. “Did you have a hard time keeping up, Charming?”

“Can it, Your Majesty.” he says fondly. His eyes remind her of Emma.

“I’ll race you back.”

“You’re a hazard!” he called after her as she took off.

They rode for another hour with minimal conversation, Regina slowly recalled the finer points of riding and was getting more and more euphoric. Her thighs felt like jelly by the time she got down but she was delighted by the nostalgia of it all. She was walking back to her car when David stopped her. “Hey can I talk to you for a second?” 

Regina came crashing back down to Earth “I suppose I can’t stop you.” 

“Snow swore she wasn’t going to get involved in this but I just had to bring it up. When are you going to talk to Emma?”

All the warm fuzzy feelings she’d had for David minutes before vanished. “Don’t talk to me about things you know nothing about.” she snapped.

“Listen I’m not taking any sides, or even trying to say I know what going on-”

“You don’t.”

“-but I think that you both would be a lot better off if you had a conversation.”

Why are the Charmings such insufferable meddlers? “I can’t do that.”

“Why not.”

“I’ll do it eventually, I’m just not ready.” She knew she couldn’t avoid Emma forever. She’d turn her phone back on and have that mortifying conversation, and hopefully salvage some sort of friendship by the end of it. She just wasn’t ready for that yet. The sensation of Emma touching her was too fresh in her memory for her to look rejection in the eye without flinching. 

“Henry says you haven’t been picking up his calls either.”

“My phone is dead.”

“What? Charge it!” David raised his voice.

She honestly could not argue with that point. She knew she was being ridiculous. She also knew that her facade had shattered and she could not talk to Henry without also answering his question about how she was doing. “I’ll talk to him soon.”

“And Emma.”

“David, please.” 

“Henry is worried about you and something is wrong with you and Emma. I want you to take care of yourself but that has to include your family.” Fuck him for being right. “You’re not going to feel better while things are still unresolved.” Fuck the Charmings for not letting her stew in her misery.

“I know.” The words came out smaller than she intended. She could not have a breakdown in front of one more Charming.

His expression was so soft. It was a pity yet Regina didn’t feel patronized. “I’m sorry we didn’t notice what was happening sooner. Emma tried to tell us but...” He seemed genuinely remorseful. “I ride on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work. You should come.”

Regina recognized the olive branch for what it was. It did not feel suffocating, it was a pleasant idea. She nodded and he put his hand on her shoulder briefly before walking away. 

* * *

Zelena strutted into Granny’s and dumped Robyn into Regina’s arms with little ceremony.

“Did you lose your phone or something? I asked you to babysit last night and you never responded.”

“Yeah something like that.” Regina deflected. “Hey baby,” she cooed at Robyn.

“You always do that, she has a name you know.” Zelena seems agitated overall. Regina knows she is right. Emma can’t call Neal “kid” forever and Regina can’t call Robyn “baby” forever.

“I know, it’s just weird sometimes, calling her Robyn when Robin is dead.” Regina tries to keep her tone light. Maybe this can be a moment of understanding in their tense, strange relationship. Zelena’s face twisted and hardened into something ugly. Shit. “I mean it sounds good on her, it does. And I’m sure when she’s old enough to know what it means she’ll really appreciate the name. Sometimes I have a hard time with it though.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you felt that way?” Zelena’s face was inscrutable. Regina really didn’t want a fight, she didn’t know what she wanted.

“It just seemed like something too awful to say.” Regina whispered. “Everything I’ve been feeling is just too awful to talk about. I know I’m in the wrong here, but I’ve just been having a hard time.” 

“This whole time I’ve been alone in this stupid fairytale town, thinking I was the only one who thought ugly thoughts.” Zelena spoke in a low testy voice. 

“What?”

“You know the way everyone is around her. I haven’t been on the _hero_ train for long. I had myself convinced that no one else was ever mad or mean or unfair.”

Regina remembered the feeling from only a few years ago. At least then she had had Emma, serving as a constant contrast to the unforgiving puritanical nature of the rest of the town. “I’m sorry.” She offered. “I didn’t think I could talk to you about something like this.”

“Or, maybe there is no one better to understand us than each other.”

“You’re right, I’ve been stupid.” Regina didn’t know why she had never thought of it like that.

“I don’t expect you to be perfect, I just want you to be my sister.”

“Yeah. I can do that.”

“Good. Don’t hide the ugly things, They’re what make you interesting.”

Regina laughed a little. “Want to hear something really ugly? I had sex with Emma Swan.” She whispered it, mindful that they were still in the middle of the diner.

“What!?” Zelena cawed in delight. “No way!” Zelena’s laughter made Regina feel, for a moment, like maybe everything wasn’t so serious. “When? How many times? Was it good? Who started it? Is she going to leave that awful bore of a husband?” 

“Lower your voice! It was one time, or maybe more like four, but one night.”

“Four!”

“Lower your voice. It’s really nothing like that. She ran off and I haven’t seen her since.” It’s the first time she’d said any of this out loud, and the world didn’t stop.

“Well, fuck her then.” Zelena chirps.

“I already did, you see that’s the problem.” Regina laughed morosely. “I’m not mad at her, I’m just sad about the whole thing. And it was stupid, she’s married.”

“Aw, baby sister” Zelena put her hand on top of hers, “You’re in love with her.”

“Yeah,” Regina choked out. “Is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever heard?”

* * *

On the tenth day since Regina’s phone died she finally sat down in her office and plugged it in. She sat in suspense for over a minute before she was greeted with a white screen and then a barrage of missed notifications. There were eight texts from Emma, all variations of ‘call me’ or ‘please talk to me’ or ‘we need to talk’ as well as three missed calls. There were also three missed calls from Maleficent, starting on Saturday at 11pm, and ending the day Regina finally met with her at Grannys. The missed calls from Henry started on Saturday and were the most numerous. His texts made Regina feel even more guilty. At first they had an air of casual concern which peaked in desperation by the fifth day right before Mary Margaret broke her door down. The last text just read: “call me the moment you turn your phone on.”

After all the stress she had caused him at least she could do this. She called him immediately. He picked up before the second ring and immediately requested to add video to the call. She hit accept and was greeted by the sight of Henry sitting at his kitchen table with bleary eyes and messy hair

“Mom!?”

“Hi, Darling.”

“Where have you been?”

“I’m sorry-”

“Where have you been.”

“I mean in a technical sense I was at home the entire time.” She knew it was the wrong thing to say.

“Mom!” He looks like he’s been pulling out his hair for the past ten days and Regina feels unbearably guilty.

“You looked stressed.” She is truly trying her best to turn off her motherly instinct that is causing her to try and deflect all attention off of herself and onto him. She is not succeeding.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been pretty stressed! It’s been ten days. The only reason I was sure you weren’t dead or cursed into some alternate dimension is because grandma _literally_ broke down your front door. Then even after that you still won’t talk to me even though I _know_ you were talking to Grandma and Grandpa, so I was thinking maybe I must be the problem. For months you were saying ‘I’m fine,’ ‘I’m fine,’ and even though you don’t really seem fine I’m believing you because I thought we were past lying to each other at this point but I guess not. And then all of a sudden you go from ‘fine’ to vanishing off the face of the Earth.” Regina is in tears before he is done his rant, and she feels so stupid but his face softened as soon as her shoulders started visibly shaking. “I’m sorry. I was just scared.”

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you, but it all just got to be so much.” Her voice was wavering and she couldn’t stop it.

“What got to be so much?”

“I just felt...” She had not even thought these things to herself yet. She couldn't fathom how to say them out loud. “I felt so alone, and worthless... and ...and like I failed at this big task.”

“What big task?”

“Being happy? It’s like we all decided that we got our happy endings but it didn’t feel like it to me, and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and it just got worse and worse.” There is so much that she can’t tell him. Henry doesn’t need to know that she is hopelessly in love with Emma, or any other part of that disaster. “I think I know what I should be feeling but I can’t really tell. I don’t have a lot of experience with being happy but I am trying.”

Henry’s face was all scrunched up like he’s going to cry. “I’m really sorry Mom. Sometimes Grandma and Grandpa and I get carried away with all that fairytale stuff. Feelings are easy for us but you and Emma are different.”

Regina couldn’t keep the disdain out of her voice. “Emma seemed like she wasn’t having any trouble.” 

Henry cocked his head like he knew there was something more there. “She is.” is all he said in explanation. “That’s not the point. The point is that it’s not your fault. Not everyone feels things the same way and we weren’t paying attention to your feelings.”

“I felt like such a nuisance. I didn’t want to say anything because it was my fault that I felt like this. I didn’t want to disrupt anyone’s life.”

“This is what we get for our only mental health professional being a cricket.” Henry grumbled darkly. “You can’t just make yourself be happy because you decide you should be.”

“It seems like everyone else can.” Henry was silent then, and he looked so sad and thoughtful. Regina wished that he could say the perfect thing and then she could smile and he could smile and everything would be better. “I’m trying now,” is all she had to offer. “I’ve stopped pretending and I’m trying for real.”

Regina knows that’s not enough but Henry smiles anyways. “Good. I think that all you can do is try your best. Some moments you’ll be happy, and some you won’t. Eventually, there will be more happy moments then not happy moments.”

It didn’t sound like something that could fit in the story book easily. It didn’t sound like the kind of future you made a deal with the Dark One for, or used pixie dust and magical authors to find. Regina could see herself in it though. She thought of afternoons horseback riding with David, and evenings doing magic with Mal and Lily, and lunches with Snow and baby Neal, or Zelena and Robyn. She could picture herself holding onto those slivers of happiness until they grew. “That sounds lovely my prince.”

“I love you so much Mom.” Regina thinks that maybe she’ll never get tired of being called Mom. It’s one of the sweetest sounds, made even more precious by the time she had to spend earning it back after she lost it.

“I love you too.”

“Don’t you dare scare me like that again.”

Regina really laughed at that, cause he sounds so stern. Her little boy scolding her, complete with a furrowed brow that makes him look even more like Emma than he does on a regular day. “I promise I won’t.”

“Even if you have nothing good to say, you gotta pick up the phone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. sorry about the no Emma, it was a necessary evil
> 
> 2\. this is actually the second chapter I wrote out of the whole thing. I wrote the first couple of paragraphs of the first chapter and realized that the problems I laid out could not be fixed by an Emma band aid, there had to be something else
> 
> 3\. leaving the phone dead for ten days was totally inspired by things that I do in my life
> 
> 4\. I really reall love Mal


	5. but i'm here in your doorway

On the fourteenth day Regina came home from dinner with Mal to find Emma sitting on her kitchen counter. She stopped in her tracks. Her first instinct was that she was hallucinating. Her second instinct was that she had been blessed with a groundhog day scenario. She would be allowed to repeat these fourteen days over and over again till she got it right. She could take all the things that she had learned and not lose Emma and move forward. But that day Emma had been wearing a tank top and flannel, today she was wearing a blue blouse. Regina recognized it as her blouse. Emma had stolen it in her first month in Storybrooke and never returned it, much to Regina’s own confusion. It had been years since she thought about that shirt. She assumed Emma had gotten rid of it somewhere along the line, left it in the loft when she moved in with Hook, or ruined in the wash when attempting to return it, or forgot about it.

“Regina?” Emma looked up and saw her, frozen, feet away. Regina was not prepared for this. She turned tail and ran. “Regina!” Emma yelled, Regina could hear Emma jumping down from the counter and making chase. All thought of using magic faded from her head when Emma grabbed her forearm. 

“Where are you going?” Emma exclaimed. 

“Where did you go?” Regina shot back, with bite in her voice.

Emma’s entire posture deflated “Boston.”

“What?” As much as Regina had prepared for this conversation, Boston was a surprise. “I’m sorry it was such a terrible experience for you that you had to go to Boston.”

“Regina, no!” Emma stepped towards her as she stepped away. She was surprised that it still stung so much. Emma’s voice was desperate and she was talking fast, without pausing for breath. “I just felt so messed up, from the pregnancy scare, and the cheating on my husband, and the having sex with my best friend. I panicked.” Regina could admit that it was a lot to handle. If anyone could relate to running from your problems it was her. That didn’t make it hurt any less. Emma’s gaze was so intense she had to look away. “I just got into my car and started driving, and then by the time I stopped I was in Boston and it was late enough that I knew you would’ve missed me already. Then I just got angry about how fucked up everything was and I just like walked around Boston, all the places I used to go, back when my life was simple. I slept in my car, I drank, I ignored Killian’s calls.”

Regina could laugh at how similar their behaviours were, just different shades of running away. “You were texting me the whole time though?” Emma’s first suggestion that they should talk had come a day after she’d fled Regina’s bed.

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“I didn’t want to talk to you.” Emma looked hurt at that. “I just didn’t think I could handle it.”

“I’m sorry” Regina was ultimately a little sorry as well. Emma called her her best friend and when Emma needed her best friend Regina wasn’t that. 

“What made you come back from Boston?”

Emma sighed. “Real life I guess. I was never going to stay.”

“You could've,” Regina pointed out. “Henry's not in Storybrooke anymore. It would’ve been easy to leave Storybrooke and have a simple life again.

Emma shook her head. “I was hiding, but there is no part of that life that I miss. It was easy and unattached but I was miserable and awful. I made myself so much better for you and Henry. I’m so much happier with myself now than I was then.”

“You did it for Henry, not me.” Regina didn’t need to make the distinction but something about it made her skin itch. “You hated me.”

“Yeah” Emma laughed, “but even then it was you I was trying to prove myself to, even if it was out of spite at first. And eventually I just started throwing myself at these insane tasks that I definitely should’ve failed at, and I just decided that I wouldn’t fail. Protecting you and Henry were the first moments of my life that felt like they were building towards something good.” Regina found Emma’s claim of protecting her embarrassingly true. The saviour that she had feared for twenty-eight years, stormed into her life, destroyed it, then promptly started saving it and hadn’t since stopped. 

“Then what?”

“Then I came back.”

“Eleven days ago.”

“Ten.”

Regina was not fussed with semantics. “If you wanted to talk to me so badly where were you for ten days.”

“I tried calling you, you’re the one who wasn’t picking up your phone.” It was still in their natures to get defensive when they fought.

“You’re the one who ran out on me, of course I wasn’t picking up your calls. I was embarrassed. You certainly took your time coming here, I wasn’t hiding.”

“I didn’t run out on you, it wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like?”

“I just panicked. When I finally came back around and had a level head you wouldn’t talk to me so I figured I should at least take the time to make things right before I showed up at your house.”

“Make what right?”

“I got a divorce.” Regina finally had nothing to say. Even in the version of this where she thought Emma might return her feelings she hadn’t expected this. She didn’t know what she had expected. “He was never the right choice. He was easy and simple and he wanted me. It felt like what I should be doing this whole time. He felt like the fairytale recipe for a happy ending, and I wanted that, and I thought I liked him enough.” Regina couldn’t fault Emma for any of it really. She had felt similarly about Robin, he was a puzzle piece that made sense, he was a logical step towards a goal. He was kind and good and hadn’t deserved to die and Regina had often missed the life they’d had together. Ultimately though he wouldn’t have been the right choice. The two of them were too alike to have made this easy on themselves.

“He wasn’t right?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“He wasn’t you.” It took Regina’s breath away, the simple reality of it. She felt speechless and oddly near tears. “I want you to understand that even if you don’t want me, I still would’ve left him. He still wouldn’t have been right. I don’t want you to feel pressure.” Emma was tripping over her own words in attempts to get them out.  
“Of course I want you.” Emma had been monologuing like a lunatic for so much of this conversation and now she was finally silent. Regina smiled just a little. She had finally shut Emma up. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Emma reached out to her and Regina let herself be pulled in till their foreheads were almost touching. Emma gently pushed her hair behind her ear and traced down Regina’s jawline with the tip of her finger. Regina closed her eyes. “Regina, I’m so in love with you.” She whispers it so the beautiful bubble that they are standing in doesn’t break.

“Then why-”

“I was so scared.” Emma answered her questions before she could finish answering. “It took so much for us to get to a good place. It never seemed right to rock the boat. There was never the right time.”

“And then it was too late” Regina whispered. That’s what she had been feeling for days and weeks and months up until this moment. Something that had just slipped through their fingers.

“Yeah” Emma confirmed, “but now it’s not too late.”

Regina let her eyes close again and fell into Emma’s embrace. She kissed her firmly, with the promise more. It felt like stepping off a cliff and knowing she would be caught. Emma wrapped her arms around her and pressed them closer together. For all their mistakes they had another chance. Neither of them were going to waste it. They pulled apart and Emma smiled that big goofy grin of hers. Regina felt warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short and sweet for you guys


End file.
